Behind the Lens: The Second Trimester
Coming at you guys today with a whole lot of gratitude for how this spring has been shaking out so far. April & May were GREAT months from start to finish and I am really happy to be freezing these feels in this blog post at this moment in time. I am now at the very start of my third (and FINAL, what?!) trimester, so it was past due to get this up because I can already feel a shift taking place.
That honestly is the only constant in pregnancy, CHANGE.
But first, I want to share a little bit about what I’ve learned about grief. You might be thinking that the topic of grief is an interesting pivot after I just talked about what a good month this has been but hear me out.
I traveled out to Joshua Tree last month with a group of girls that I met in Seattle – we were celebrating 10 years of friendship with a luxurious getaway to the desert. It was such a beautiful weekend filled with relaxation, gratitude, and soulful conversation. One of our besties is a very talented tarot reader and on a whim, I decided to ask for a reading with her.
I used to read tarot all the time for myself but have since stopped practicing as I’ve strengthened my spirituality and feel more confident in my ability to receive downloads from the universe without relying on tarot as a tool to interpret them. But something called me to try this out, and I am really happy that I did.
I explained to Kate that I obviously feel very much ‘in transition’. Pregnancy feels like this incubation time, not only for my baby, but also for my new identity. It’s like I have a “loading” bar above my head at all times these days and I don’t have clarity around the me that is going to emerge once it reaches its end. I haven’t been feeling much anxiety surprisingly, but I have felt maybe a little blocked. Paralyzed – like I don’t exactly know what “right” looks like right now. I wanted to use the reading to get curious about that block and understand it better.
Kate shared many profound insights with me, but one was particularly surprising. Markers of grief were all over my reading. At first, I was surprised – I’d been feeling happy, not sad! But then, as we dug deeper, it made a lot of sense.
I’ve used this space to talk a lot about processing through the loss of our dog, Ryder, and my Nuna Rose (grandma) last year. As I write this, we are actually on the first anniversary of her passing.
It’s no secret that last year was a really tough one for me and my family. When I think back to myself a year ago, I just want to give that girl a big hug. She was so sad. So sad, and yet every single day she’d put on a brave face and get out there in the world and do her job, be present with her family & friends, clients, and hold on as tight as she could to tiny threads of gratitude for the good things, even if she was crumbling on the inside. Sound exhausting? It was.
We’ve come a long way in grieving these losses. Instead of breaking down in tears every time I think about these two special souls and how I wish they were still here, I now do a lot more smiling when I think of their memory. I embrace the spiritual connection that I have with them and often recognize when they are present – sending me blessings and signs all the time.
But the sting of the wound of loss still lingers. That horrible feeling of having the rug ripped out from underneath you, turning your world upside down without notice. It’s still there, I still feel it. I still worry about it happening again. This reading portrayed the power struggle I was having with my happiness and joy after grappling with life throwing me an unexpected tough curveball.
I still feel tender. I still feel deeply afraid of going to that sad place again. I fear other good things or people in my life being taken away. And I think I tried to shove all of this down as soon as I got pregnant – because that’s a tough headspace to be in while you are growing a baby for the first time. I don’t linger on that thought, but I also feel like sometimes I don’t let myself be truly happy or fully excited about welcoming our baby into the world – just in case something bad happens. I find I do this type of mental hedging a lot with the good things in my life.
All of this to say, I am learning to hold both. I am learning to let the positivity back in and drop back into the belief that the universe is always on my side, always looking out for me. And at the same time, taking care of and nurturing my tender heart. Being patient with the different, and oftentimes conflicting, waves of feeling that wash over me. Accepting that it’s okay to feel both.
Is it obvious that I’ve been listening to a little too much TTPD? I joke that this child is going to come out of the womb a tortured poet because that’s ALL I’ve been listening to since the album was released.
Anyway, I just wanted to touch on that because I am appreciating and accepting the lights & darks of life more and more these days. I feel like that’s been the biggest lesson I’ve learned as an adult – there will always be both present. I am not sure if that shattered anyone else’s fairytale, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t need to grapple with that for some time. Both can exist and yet – you can still choose how you perceive your reality. Just because there are dark things and tough things doesn’t make it all bad. It just makes you human.
I know that was a little heavy, but I’ve been in such an amazing place lately. Second trimester FTW, I genuinely loved it there. It’s like I can feel myself evolving in ways that I never knew I needed to, but feel SO good and so right at the same time. I have completely surrendered to letting motherhood change me physically/mentally/spiritually, letting go of control every step of the way, and it’s brought ease into this part of the journey. This is genuinely the happiest and most fulfilled that I’ve been in a really really long time.
I am also THRIVING in pregnant culture. I was made for this LOL. I wasn’t drinking before I got pregnant so that part was easy – and I already hated being out late. Now I have the excuse of all excuses to go home early, to skip the late-night party, to relax, and be a homebody? Like I said, THRIVING.
Getting to feel the baby kick is one of my favorite changes since we were here last. Some days I actually think I will miss being pregnant because I love those little kicks reminding me that I’m never alone. There’s always that awkward time right before the ceremony starts when photographing a wedding when it’s just little ol’ me standing up there with my cameras waiting for things to get rolling while EVERY guest stares at me. But this year is different – instead of feeling awkward and alone, I’ve got this little one fluttering around in the pause reminding me of her presence. THIS is the stage where I’ve felt most connected to my baby – it’s like I already get her and she gets me. Like I said, I love it here. I am not wishing this time away, but there is a part of me that’s just SO stoked to meet her and see what she looks like, learn her little personality, and just really be in her energy. A lot to look forward to for sure.
Shifting to the work front, so many exciting things have rolled in with Spring. First and foremost, I shot my first three weddings of the year and they were better than I ever could have imagined. I am to the place in my business where I get to travel here and there and it truly feels like a “pinch me” situation.
Last year, I was really proud of my ability to stay present on wedding days, despite some of the chaos that was happening around me. This year – I feel the same, but with all of my circumstances being lighter – I can feel myself slowing down, allowing more thought and intention into each capture. I think this is just one of the ways that physically slowing down in pregnancy is translating so beautifully into my work and the way I approach a wedding day.
Alex and I have also launched sign-ups for this year’s Biz Retreat in Sedona, Arizona. I am especially excited for this year’s Biz Retreat, because I absolutely cannot wait to revisit the strategic plans for my business after maternity leave. I am trying to be disciplined about not seeing motherhood through a lens of restricting my business or holding me back as an entrepreneur and instead focusing on the ways that I can adapt this side of myself to best meet the needs of my family and my mental well-being as a mother. I am more determined than ever to build a business that works best for me and my growing family – and I am so grateful to have Biz Retreat to spend that dedicated time and energy to really dig into what that looks like.
[If you’re interested in learning more about Biz Retreat, head to our IG! If you’d like to sign up for this year’s retreat in Sedona from 12.5-12.8, you can apply here!]
If there’s one thing that pregnancy has done for me as an entrepreneur – it’s that I am not fucking around anymore LOL. I soon will have a mouth to feed and a sweet little soul that I need to spend quality time nurturing. I’m feeling more unapologetic than ever about my big goals and dreams and I am loving this newfound fire/passion/motivation to make it all happen. Because it’s not just for me anymore, it’s for her too. I want more than anything to make her proud and inspire her to think big and chase her dreams – no matter what they are.
Being a mom and an entrepreneur is high-stakes and a lot of pressure at times – and at the same time, I celebrate the flexibility/adaptability in my life that I’ve only gotten a taste of because of this brave leap that I took to become a full-time business owner. I know it will be hard work – but I cannot imagine this journey any other way.
XOXO ‘Til next time!
