Behind the Lens: I’m Pregnant!

…Hi! It’s been a while, huh? We have A LOT to catch up on and this is going to be a very long post, so buckle up and maybe grab a snack.

As you probably know by now (from my IG announcement or the title of this blog) I have a good reason for my ‘Behind the Lens’ hiatus. The truth is, once I returned home from 2023 Biz Retreat, my life was quite literally turned upside down and I’ve been taking some personal time to adjust to the new direction I am heading.

You see, while I was at Biz Retreat, I was keeping a secret. My period was late. Like, really — not normal – late. Here we were strategizing and making plans for the next 1-3 years in our businesses, and all the while, I couldn’t stop thinking…what if I am pregnant? What if all of these plans/EVERYTHING about my life has to be revisited? But I found a way to stay present and enjoy my time, knowing that once I returned home to Seattle, all of it might be changed forever.

…and it was. I found out on the day I got home from Biz Retreat that I was pregnant.

[TW: Pregnancy, surprise/unplanned pregnancy.

I want to first acknowledge the sensitive nature of pregnancy-related news before I continue this story. Every woman has a different experience journeying into motherhood (or not). I alluded to this in one of my most recent Behind the Lens posts and am extremely familiar with the feeling of being deeply impacted by pregnancy news. Before I continue, I want to flag that this is an unplanned pregnancy story, and if you find that triggering in any way, I completely understand and honor if this is where you choose to close out this browser and move on. Sending you all the love on your journey.]

I walked in our front door, fresh off the plane, greeted by a very anxious husband who I had clued into the situation at hand while I was in Phoenix. Personally, I wanted to wait a little to take a test after getting home. Maybe it was overwhelm? I had just crossed the finish line on my fifth trip of the month and the end of an extremely busy and heavy wedding season. Pregnant? Now? What the actual fuck, universe?! Can a girl catch her breath first?

But there he was, anxiously waiting for me at the door (might as well have shoved the test in my hand), and I knew right then and there what was about to happen. Taylor is not an anxious man. He is my chill, go-with-the-flow, unshakeable, golden retriever husband. It was one thing for my gut to be telling me — but it was obvious that Taylor’s gut was also trying to tell him that something earth shattering was happening too. So I kid you not, within 5 minutes of walking in the door still smelling of airport, I was peeing on that damn stick.

We waited what seemed like ages with the test face-down on the counter, jittering with nerves, and looking at each other wide-eyed like “wow, could this really be happening?!”. We both took a deep breath as I flipped over the test and saw two lines as clear as fucking day (or in the words of my best friend, Anne, — that’s a “You pregnant as FUCK second line, Allie”), gasped, and proceeded to immediately burst into a puddle of uncontrollable sobs. Even now, looking back, I can’t even really decipher what all of those emotions were – some excitement, some fear, some relief, some HOLY SHIT the timing of this seems bad, some bursting of love for this baby I just confirmed was growing in me, curiosity around this transformation I would be embarking on, and of course – some exhaustion. All of it washing over me at once. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that much in a single moment in my life and let’s be honest, I am a Pisces – that bar is pretty high.

I didn’t always know that I wanted to be a mother.

I was *not* the girl that dreamt of motherhood…like ever. It made me feel a little out of place in my female body sometimes. I was not the go-to babysitter, I was not the girl volunteering to hold a baby, and kids made me feel awkward most of the time. As humans, we know what comes easy to us and what doesn’t. Being the “nurturing/motherly” type was not one of those things that appeared to come easy to me – at least with other people’s children. I was way more excited by the concept of being the kooky, artsy, unhinged grandmother who shares funny stories and wisdom to my grandchildren with no filter. Grandmother, hell yes…but mother?

I was always the girl laser-focused on my achievements, my dreams, getting out and experiencing the world – embodying more of a masculine energy in a lot of ways. What fuels me has always been building something out of my art. Accomplishing one dream, trying something new would just open up the next door and I would repeat that until…

Around this time last year, I could feel myself being confronted by the idea of motherhood. It was just simply there in front of my face in a lot of big ways that I couldn’t ignore. Almost like the universe was signaling “hey, it’s time for you to look at this”. More and more close friends were getting pregnant, I was somehow attracting a LOT of maternity/newborn work for someone who hasn’t advertised these niches as a specialty. So I started to meditate on it.

Confronting motherhood in meditation was really powerful for me. I uncovered a lot of fear, imposter syndrome, shame – but at the same time, this beautiful door opened and I realized that – Yes, this is something that’s meant for me, something that I can and will be good at…as long as I get to do it my way. And then I saw a little girl. Maybe it was my inner child, but maybe it was this child — a girl who I could teach/model how to be fearless, kind, creative, bold and confident. I think I cried a little during that vision because of *how much* I realized I had to offer that sweet little soul. And sure enough…we are having a little girl.

So yes, I was confronting motherhood, I had a strong intuitive feeling that being a “girl-mom” was on my path, but in the same breath, the timing of it all still felt so fuzzy to me. At no point, even up until I received that positive pregnancy test, was I a “100% yes, let’s do this, let’s try – I am confident that I want this and I want this now”. For starters, my business was taking OFF. My 2024 was fully booked up, and the momentum just seemed to keep going and I was LOVING every moment of it! When would I be content enough to take a pause and build a family? When would I even have enough TIME to do so? Maybe I could keep putting it off until I achieved all of my dreams?

[Quick pause to acknowledge the constant fear-mongering to women over 30 who aren’t in a rush to get pregnant. Am I the only one who was convinced that all of my eggs made a swift exit out of my body the second the clock stroke midnight on my 30th birthday?]

Throughout all of this year, right up until the moment I turned that test over, I had these two polar opposite sides of myself at war with each other. My brain whiplashing between thoughts of “You’re running out of time!” And “You can’t rush these things, it’s more than okay to wait, you have things you want to do before becoming a mom”. Now, it does seem fitting that the universe sprung this on me, because to be honest, maybe it wasn’t meant for me to come to some peaceful conclusion on the timing of it all. Maybe that was always meant to be out of my hands.

First trimester real talk.

I was dragging my feet on this post for a while, but now I think that was meant to be as well. I am very happy I did not finish this in the throws of the first trimester and can come at this with some second-trimester wisdom and perspective.

I will not sugar coat it – the first trimester is a special kind of hellish rollercoaster. When I found out I was pregnant at four weeks with virtually no other symptoms other than huge boobs (BLESS pregnancy boobs, definitely my favorite part), I really wanted to be the person that let go of control and allowed herself to truly enjoy this journey. Even though this was a surprise, I was determined to find presence and peace in my pregnancy and not to fight it.

But damn, that positive attitude got extremely hard to maintain around 7ish weeks. Here I was at 4-6 weeks not feeling a thing, convinced that maybe I was one of those lucky ones that wouldn’t experience the dreaded nausea of the first trimester. Well, I was wrong to say the least, I was just a late bloomer. It’s really hard to describe the feeling that is being so out of control of your body. Personally, this is something I had never experienced before and I can see now what an immense privilege that has been.

Waking up each day, determined to have a “good day” and a mere 30 minutes later ending up horizontal on my couch due to the exhaustion and nausea. Whoever coined the term “morning sickness” should really get a kick in the ass, because no body warned me that this shit was really more like “all-day sickness”. The worst part for me was the food aversions. I LOVE food, eating meals is like my favorite part of each day and for weeks, I would be so excited to eat something, it would be put in front of me, and I would get queasy at the thought of putting one forkfull in my mouth. I HATED this period of pregnancy.

This just so happen to hit during the peak of Seattle doom & gloom (I already struggle with seasonal depression) AND one of the slowest, most stagnant periods my business had ever seen. I see now that the stagnancy was a call from the universe to rest and take care of myself, which I was doing physically, but mentally I was REELING. I was so frustrated by all of these “problems I needed to solve” but did not have the energy to sit at my computer and think straight. I am happy that’s over. We can talk about what a mind fuck off-season is at another date lol.

At the tail end of my first trimester, we traveled to Ireland for a family wedding. I had been looking forward to this trip ever since we returned home from France and Italy in the Fall. Europe has really captured my heart lately, and I am feeling the nudge to return a lot more frequently.

But 0/10 would recommend air/international travel during your first trimester. I struggled, HARD during this trip and questioned multiple times if I should have even gone. But thanks to my husband and my family, I was extremely well taken care of and had the best time that I possibly could given the circumstances.

I listened to a great podcast episode at the time (honestly don’t remember the name of it now, but it was a spiritual-leaning pregnancy podcast) – that basically validated how sucky the first trimester is. I was a little surprised to be honest, because I think I had tuned in expecting to hear some sort of love & light bullshit that might make me change my mindset. But no, even this spiritual guru lady acknowledged just how challenging this time is – and to be honest, that’s exactly what I needed to hear. The best mantra that I could come up with to cope during this time was to remember that what I was feeling was temporary. It wouldn’t last forever, I would eventually feel like myself again. I would eventually be able to eat and enjoy my favorite foods again. I would eventually have the creativity and energy to run my business again. AND the sun would eventually be out in Seattle again, and at least the winter blues would be behind me.

There’s another thing that I want to share about my experience in the first trimester that I am honestly not sure if others will relate to. But I did not feel motherly/nurturing to the baby growing inside me and that really discouraged me for awhile. There was no switch that magically flipped with that positive pregnancy test. It made me feel like all of my fears around my lack of motherly instincts were true. I had a lot of friends tell me (in regards to the shitty first trimester symptoms) that they stayed positive because they knew it was all leading to the growth of their healthy baby – or something along those lines. And to be honest…I just didn’t feel that. There’s nothing I could have done to change it, but I really didn’t feel this motherly, sacrificial connection to my baby during that time. I see now that is totally okay and it definitely changed with the second trimester. I just wish I didn’t judge myself so much for it at the time. I have since dropped into a much more peaceful place with MY journey through pregnancy and into motherhood and have embraced the fact that my experience will be unique to me. It will be perfect for me and my baby – no matter what it looks like.

EVERYONE is different. And that means everyone will have their own experience. I really wish that we, as women, found a better way to share our honest experiences around pregnancy, birth, motherhood with eachother without projecting the vibe that “this will be your experience too” with such a blind certainty. I know that virtually every pregnant woman has heard the absolute dreaded comment “You think you’re tired now?! Wait till the baby comes” If you’ve ever said that to an expecting mom, I implore you to SHUT up. Seriously shut up.

Changing plans.

Having a baby changes everything. It really does.

As I mentioned at the start of this post, I had a fully booked 2024 wedding season before getting my positive pregnancy test. We also had plans to move to Denver post-wedding season next year. We were going to stay in our Fremont apartment right up until the moment we needed to leave, spending this year enjoying all of our favorite things about Seattle.

And then…

For awhile I clung onto all of these things – even after that positive test. I really wanted to find a way to make it all work as we had planned. But that’s not what the universe had in store for us.

The biggest redirection for us was ultimately decided to stay in Seattle afterall. There are a couple of big reasons for this:

1 – Stability during a crazy, transformative time – When I found out that I was pregnant and that I would be spending the majority of my pregnancy in Seattle, a city I loved, knew and had a community in, I was overjoyed. Originally thinking that we would be waiting to have kids in Denver, this was such an exciting surprise for me. The idea of going on pregnancy/newborn walks in all of my favorite parks, getting to be surrounded by the beautiful community of women that I’ve built for myself over the years. It was only natural that we opened up our minds to the idea of staying, and to be honest, this decision has been such a gift to us. We LOVE Seattle, and it’s pretty clear to me that baby girl is going to be a natural Seattleite as well with her rushing to get here in just the knick of time LOL.

2 – Relieving the pressure of having to relocate my business while becoming a new mom – This was probably the biggest driver of us deciding to stay and I don’t think I would have gotten this reality check had it not been for such a trying first trimester. I am not the same business owner that I was even 6 months ago. My energy is changed, my priorities are different, and that’s okay! But I didn’t want to kid myself – the biggest personal transformation for me is yet to come. I want to leave space for myself to fully embrace motherhood, all of its magic, trials and turbulations, without the pressures of needing to move my business to a whole different market at the same time.

3 – The ability to move to a new home that would better accommodate our family for when we welcome baby girl – It was cute entertaining that we would be welcoming in our newborn into our apartment (which is lovely, don’t get me wrong) for a little while, but now knowing that we are here to stay, we can ACTUALLY search for a home to rent with a backyard for our dog, more space for us, the baby and visitors. We are looking to move around the beginning of June, and I personally can’t wait to give orders and instructions to people helping us move with my big pregnant belly.

Now that we’ve decided, staying in Seattle feels so right. I cannot wait to continue serving couples in Seattle (and beyond of course), and building connections with all of the unbelievable wedding vendors in this community. I feel like I am just getting started, and baby girl gave us a huge blessing with this choice to stay for her sake.

What this means for Alexandrae Photo

I hope this has been obvious, but if it hasn’t – my photography business is here to STAY. Motherhood has always weirdly been a part of the dream to own my own business and be in charge of my own schedule and I can see now why I felt so compelled to get this thing off the ground in 2020. I am beyond grateful that I get to show my daughter what it means to follow her dreams.

I will be going on maternity leave for the months of August, September and October with the exception of the weddings that I already have booked during this time at the end of September & October. I am still sort of figuring out what maintaining my business will look like and what kinds of help I can outsource to make this go a little smoother and make sure that my communications don’t go completely dark during this time – but to be honest, I am really excited by this challenge! I’ve finally come around to the idea that I can’t do this all on my own, and I am really excited about how much this will force me to seek help and support.

Finding peace.

March has really brought a fresh energy to me, my business and my pregnancy that feels oh so good. I shouldn’t be surprised being a Pisces and all – March is my time to SHINE. My bump is finally bumping and I absolutely love it. And with that has come that real connection to my baby girl. I talk to her all the time now and you’ll often find me with my hands on my belly (I don’t care if I am insufferable, I literally can’t help it, that’s where my hands belong now LOL).

Now that everything has been sorted with my 2024 weddings and we have officially decided to stay in Seattle, it really feels like this massive weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I am so grateful to my clients who have been on this journey with me, the kindness that you’ve all shown, and the absolutely overwhelming love and support that came with our pregnancy announcement. I cannot thank you all enough for how you’ve made me and my family feel. Baby girl is so loved already.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, I will be resuming my monthly Behind The Lens posts and I cannot wait to document this journey for you all!

XO